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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.