🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.